Running Scared

Posted on October 29, 2010

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The marathon is about two weeks away and the thought of it has begun to give me a little rumbly in my tumbly.  I remember looking at the training schedule about 8 weeks ago and thinking time was on our side, but now it’s as if the last few weeks have flown by without any consideration for my feelings.  Does time not realize that I may not be prepared?  I have trained hard, but I now realize that the most important thing that must be trained is my mind.  I must have the belief that I can finish.

Running, I will admit, is not always easy.  It almost changes with every day.  For example, yesterday I ran 5 miles, but yet it felt like I was running 10.  My legs felt heavy and I had to push myself harder than I anticipated, but that’s what you expect when you run.  Every single day brings a different set of challenges.  Some days I’m tired and my mind is weak.  Some days my knees hurt or maybe my shins and it’s a struggle to put one leg in front of the other.  Other days it’s my ankle and the worry that the tendonitis is set to present itself again.  But, for some reason I keep running. 

I can’t explain why I want to run this ½ marathon so badly.  I was once hesitant to even sign up for it, but once I did I was on a mission.  It has been wonderful overcoming so many things and pushing myself to limits I never imagined I could go.  I now have a new level of confidence that goes far beyond running.  Through all of this, though, I am still nervous.  To be frank, I am scared.  It’s an emotional journey for me that I need more than I would like to admit.  It’s a battle against so many things that I have probably not even admitted to myself.  It’s not just about finishing anymore.  It’s about proving something.  It’s never been just about running and that’s why it’s important.  I know I am not running from anything.  It’s more like I’m running toward something.  There are things I think I can conquer like doubts, feelings, thoughts, goals, the past, the present, the future – just so many things. 

I know that finishing the half marathon is not going to be easy.  However, it’s something I now believe I can do.  I once thought I couldn’t start.  Now I believe I can finish.  There’s a certain sense of tranquility I can feel in the back of my mind.  Yesterday it was most apparent.  Then, as I ran, the sun was setting and the sky was this beautiful, unexplainable, blue.  The trees were swaying in the wind and the pond was glistening like a diamond in just the right light.  Although I was tired, I was at peace.  I was running.

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